Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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