Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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