She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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