I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
