So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
