I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
