Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
