He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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