I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
