He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
