Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
