I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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