I was born with a shot glass in my hand
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
