so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
