my phone needs a breathalizer
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
