508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
FUCK WHALES
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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