My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
