Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
