i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
