Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
