You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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