Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
