So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize