i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Randomize
