Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i came on her dog
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
