i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
