Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
