This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
