Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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