I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
