apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
