I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize