sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
