my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
