he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
