I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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