how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
