He told me they were just razor bumps!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
