I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
