No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
