This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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