apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
