Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
