I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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