Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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