my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize