Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
