Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
