No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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