I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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