Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
