Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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