did you get engaged???
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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