she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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